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06 July 2009 @ 01:12 pm
passing through

the front door gasps open
with the exhale of tragedy
in our little house city. shutterless
eyes empty of eyes.



your finger
counts my pulse.
your eyes are palindromes
incising monopoly and
i am a stopped sink


new house

i will lift the sheet
if you promise
to gaze without flinching,
to look while touching
deeply, to count scars
with your eyes,
to walk in as far as i am able
to understand, to absorb
the gust of exposure
& the geists that follow
that words cannot cage,
to fold my face
in a gentle dogear,
to return again, heavy with
rain, to carry in
your boots--
an offering: an arm
around your ghosts,
all smiling, in
my wet uncharted
newness beyond
ending and ending.

this is a little embarrassing, but i have a total crush on david archuleta.

so much so that i may or may not have just learned "crush" on the geetar ... and i know all the words.
01 July 2009 @ 12:13 pm
there is no logical reason why my new pair of size 38 mens jeans won't stop falling down, especially because i'm wearing a belt that holds up my other pairs of (size 38) jeans just fine.

i can't believe it's july already.

29 June 2009 @ 01:46 pm
i saw my sister's keeper the other day and it, in conjunction with father's day and happy dying [ :( ], brought to the surface a lot of things i've been trying to keep buried about my father and his battle with cancer. my father is 62 years old, and he spent four years battling cancer -- his body looks like it's about 72 years old. i know he's not going to be alive forever, and i am trying to make peace with our relationship and him because i learned from jay's death that burying issues i have with people makes losing them twice as traumatic for me. i've been...Collapse )

let's move on to sillier things. these could be two separate entries, but hey, it's more real, i suppose, to talk about sad things with happy or frivolous things 'cause that's how it is in my brain.

why is it that the best headphones i've ever owned are jetblue's $1 headphones? fuck earbuds. these things are so comfortable!

i dyed my hair yesterday to a strawberry-blonde-type configuration. i'm thinking about adding some bright red to where my hair is normally pink 'cause i don't like anything monosyllabic.

i also had to buy a new phone the other day 'cause mine was knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. WTF. it had already been out for servicing three times and i'd had it for less than a year. just say no to the lg rumor.

finally, i'm grateful for sunshine, friends, rain, and being and loving who i am. and lately, my family of origin, even though it hurts my heart a lot of the time to have them in my life.
18 June 2009 @ 04:28 pm

mint condition set of 38 DD boobs -- homegrown and aged 22 years for perfection! some marks from normal wear-and-tear, but hardly any sag at all. includes FREE carrying/display cases and a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY. more pictures available upon request.

COST: FREE! (plus nominal removal and shipping & handling fees)
18 June 2009 @ 12:23 pm
a notation: i'm the artist formerly known as oblivxion. i just purchased a rename token 'cause it was starting to feel like i was too easy to find as "oblivxion," which was a relic of my fourteen-year-old self anyway :)
04 June 2009 @ 11:57 am
last night i gave myself permission to stop worrying and i laid in a hammock with julia and looked up at the stars through a net of tree branches.

then i played my guitar and we danced around the house with wine blushing the sides of plastic glasses.

and then my cat and i spooned and watched runaway bride in my big new bed and i fell asleep with the TV on like my father, but not like my father because i felt buoyant with love.

the gap between existing with happiness or with sadness is only a few steps wide inside my body, and i think i am just going to do my best to live deliberately, and just for me, for me, for me.
25 May 2009 @ 02:07 pm


i am standing in the footholds of my
history, looking up at a river sky from
a new york street like a boston street
like a san francisco street like a
maine street but here is where
explosions happened first, where
a queer kid took the heavy baton into
his skinned knuckles and said, "no," breathed
it out like it was life itself, like
it would erase the blood paintdrying
beneath his nose, like it would
reattach the spike broken from
the heel in the gutter broken
from the heel of the queen not
moving nearby on the pavement.
what can i do forty years later? play
my guitar like it's my heart breaking,
songs are sobs 'cause the curve
of a rainbow's edge can't contain
the sadness i feel here, surrounded
by straight women in purple dresses
and straight men wearing leather
shoes and queer men wearing little
white shorts who turn their
eyes from me, the too-queer queer.
i'm invisible in a place that
made me visible, and i'm scrambling
to collect pieces of queerness
as my colors -- red for blood, black
for leather, purple for the greyness
of who we are -- are taken
from their origins with us and painted new,
painted without pain, painted
by unskinned knuckles. what i can give
is not enough: sobs don't cure
assimilation, broken heels
don't glue themselves back together,
and i don't know if i have
the strength to take
the black baton in my hands
and hit back again
and again and again.
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20 May 2009 @ 01:03 am
videos from the tranny roadshow tour!

me + opera = secret -->


original band songage business, "queer lullaby"

09 May 2009 @ 03:13 pm
imagining how i might die everytime i use the bathroom

at the registrar of
the college that i'm leaving
the turquoise-turtlenecked woman
is acting like it's a major upheaval
to change my first name so it's
an "A" with a period beside it.
"i'll have to talk to my supervisor,"
she says, smiling.
she's Nice in the way that people
who have had diversity training are,
Nice like maybe she's got
kids who carry old ladies' groceries.
but i think she's one of those people
who when i say "trans" she'd rather
that i hide it, that i protect her from
doing calistentics with her brain
by wrapping my body and its boundaries
in a turtleneck of shame but
who at the same time might
say if i slept with her son
without splaying myself open
that i have no right to deception,
like  not ripping off my clothes
in the center square of town
yelling, "look! look! look!"
means her son can turn me
into another name in
the book of lives that have been
extinguished at the hands
of the phobic.
later, at a party, liquor
wrenches my mouth open wide
and i tell everyone listening
about the invisible identities
that make my unchanged
body mutant
and a girl swilling forties
asks about surgeries and
a boy
in a leather jacket
asks about the difference
between sex and gender
but doesn't want to listen
when i talk about intersex
ion, when i talk about
what matters, when i talk
beyond pop-culture men
in dresses & vaginas with
big clits.
earlier the thing
that gets the turquoise woman
moving is not respect
for what i say i need
not a penchant for
satisfying the customer
but it's that i say
the girlhood that hides
inside the "A" period makes
me feel unsafe if i'm not in
control of it; it's that her
eyes get wide and worried.
it's not the fear i carry
of people
like the son i imagine she has,
like her, like boys in leather
jackets, like businessmen in
suits, like my mother,
like the girl swilling forties
who knew me before and
says my old name casually
being too able to see me. these people, able
to decide that what i say i am
is deception, that i break glass
to get to the extinguisher
when there's no fire,
that this trans
is punishable by fines,
by hanging,
by ending it
in the living room
of my apartment,
in the kitchen of
a party,
in the bathroom next
to the stall that is
the only shield i have.
why is it that our
culture fears calling
what is what it is --
why is it that fearing
being accused of
continuing systems
of oppression
when that's exactly what
you do moves our feet quicker?
that yes,
at your little old corner-crumbling
desk in a public university
in maine, you
are part of the problem?
in your leather jacket
wanting to know
only about folds of
skin and your eyes
glazing over at
everything else, your
privileged disinterest--you're part
of the damn problem--
why can't i abbreviate
my name without cisgender
supervision? why
is this anger that
i feel something
i ought to tone
down, stop wearing
on the surface? why
do i have to explain
only the things
people want to hear
and not
every single
of my
goddamn(ed) self?
Tags: ,
07 May 2009 @ 05:32 pm
this is what i look like RIGHT NOW:

now show me your pretty faces in the comments!

06 May 2009 @ 12:34 pm


though folks can't start getting married for 90 days, MAINE JUST BECAME THE FIFTH STATE IN THE U.S. TO LEGALIZE EQUAL MARRIAGE!!!!

Current Location: work!
Current Mood: ecstaticfucking ecstatic!
07 April 2009 @ 01:01 pm
The Vermont legislature garnered the two-thirds majority vote necessary to overturn the governor's veto and legalize gay marriage! Holy shit. This makes VT the first state to legalize gay marriage through the legislature.

Maine next? Lord, I hope so. The fact that the equal marriage bill in Maine has 64 legislative co-sponsors makes me hopeful.


EDIT: D.C. voted to recognize same-sex/-gender unions performed in other states!
03 April 2009 @ 06:57 pm
Jamez is singin' and I'm geetarin' for our original song called (originally enough) "The Pirate Song."

19 March 2009 @ 11:55 pm

I love how smiley and dance-y all these folks are. And the small children and dog wandering around.
03 March 2009 @ 02:11 pm

So I just went to use my "Ani" icon for something, and instead of the image I've had attached to my "Ani" icon tag for years, the above picture came up. WTF? I did not upload this image. I don't know who that person is, and ze is clearly not Ani DiFranco. Even stranger, the background of the image looks strangely like the UMF Computer Center, like maybe someone logged in as me and took a picture of themselves on one of the iSight cameras on the Macs in the computer lab and somehow uploaded it over my Ani icon? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Technology -- I don't get you!
this just made my whole whole whole day today, my feelings on marriage as a heterosexist, antiquated religious institution aside:

EqualityMaine, community partners introduce bill for Civil Marriage Equality and Affirmation of Religious Freedom to Maine Legislature on January 13
Current Mood: excitedshitting myself
Things I Must Do Before I Die

Read more...Collapse )

  • Go to Africa
  • Live in Washington, D.C.
  • Learn to speak Spanish fluently (in progress ... probably eternally)
  • Learn Italian
  • Visit Spain
  • Write a novel
  • Win a Pulitzer Prize
  • Change the world
  • Visit Mexico
  • Go to Hawaii
  • Go to Alaska
  • Visit England
  • Visit Ireland
  • Visit France
  • Get a tattoo
  • Watch a sunrise
  • Watch a sunrise with someone important
  • Write for a major newspaper
  • Write a front-page story that blows the lid off something major
  • Write a true crime or suspense novel (or both!) that transcends the genre
  • Host a radio show
  • Observe a court trial
  • Get married
  • Relearn American Sign Language
  • Record an album (in progress!)
  • Be in a Broadway musical
  • See a Broadway musical
  • Become an FBI Agent
  • Become a forensic profiler
  • Sing the National Anthem at a major televised sporting event
  • Write a romance novel
  • Publish a book of poetry
  • Write syndicated editorials
  • Cantor a wedding
  • Make a pilgrimage to Mecca
  • Visit Australia
  • Be in the Olympics
  • Fall in love
  • Fall madly, passionately in love
  • Win a major award
  • Edit manuscripts
  • Shave my head
  • Buy a domain
  • Create a custom 404 page
  • Sponsor a child through one of those commercials on TV
  • Kiss someone in the rain
  • Build a computer from scratch
  • Kiss someone in an elevator
  • Have sex in a public place
  • Have sex outside
  • Live in an apartment
  • Live on a farm
  • Live in the city
  • Write a bestselling novel
  • Win a Pushcart Prize
  • Subscribe to Writer's Digest
  • Be okay with crying
  • Slow-dance in the rain
  • Write a song and play all of the instruments on it
  • Visit the Grand Canyon
  • Visit California
  • Camp out under the stars
  • Be an editor for a newspaper
  • Surprise people
  • Act in a movie
  • Sing an entire concert solo in front of an audience
  • Paint a large, completed work on canvas with oil paint and get it framed if it's good
  • Paint a huge abstract painting
  • Get my nose, eyebrow or lip pierced
  • Visit New York City
  • Swim naked in a river at night
  • See Hanson play live again
  • Fix my relationship with my father (in progress)
  • Learn to cook (in progress)
  • Visit Montreal for a week or longer
  • Cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner myself, turkey included
  • Change someone's life
  • Save someone's life
  • Learn to sew
  • Write a screenplay
  • Have sex in a car
  • Star in a Broadway musical
  • Go stargazing
  • Take a roadtrip across the country
  • Take a roadtrip across the country with my younger sister
  • Have sex on a beach
  • Learn to play the bass
  • Learn to play the guitar
  • Learn to really play the harmonica
  • Change my gender legally
  • Learn to play the violin
  • Become proficient at the piano
  • Start a band and record an album
  • Be in a healthy and stable relationship
  • Be in a healthy and stable relationship for more than 3 months
  • Learn how to fill out Protection from Abuse / Harrassment paperwork
  • Live in a tiny house
  • Get in a fistfight
01 January 2009 @ 02:03 am
this was the best new year's i've had in awhile. for once, i wasn't at home on the couch with my parents.

i was on the phone with the best person i could possibly think of to be talking to then (besides my family of friends, who were mostly within arm's reach -- and kina grannis : ] )

happy new year, everybody. : )
ecology of man

the pope says i am responsible
for the destruction of the rainforest,
little butterflies with bright wings dying;
others say the war in iraq is my fault
soldiers expiring, the heaving of a thousand mothers wet on my neck

there's fraud folded into my skin
i'm an illegal immigrant from the land of girl
and i think i might have caused
the disintegration of the ecology of man
'cause i believe in blurry borders, and
my strange chest exhaling freezes civilizations

nomadic, i collect geography on my skin
like the dew of an aftershower:
ridges of maine and flecks of new england spittle, colorado sun;
the mist on the mirror hiding
the bermuda triangle between my legs

on the freeway there's jesus on the back of a car
and the driver is deflating with age,
wrinkled woman who doesn't have to swallow tears whole
when people call her she.
i think of the rainbow i wear with fear, swaddled
in dark clouds whispering knives trailing down my throat,
my queer shoulders1, my sex --

and the old laughlined pastor in midwestern mountains,
excommunicated for the sin of accepting my people,
writes that my mismatched body is a blessing, not a disguise
and still holds his wife's hand and thinks of his two children before he sleeps
i hold my own fraudulent hands steady
and face Judgment every day

1 reference to dallas marie spitzer's "my queer shoulders"